Imagine this: You just got married, and someone hands you a secret manual with one simple rule—follow it, and your marriage will thrive. Ignore it, and within a few years, you’ll be just another statistic in the divorce column.
Would you read it?
Of course, you would.
Well, that manual does exist, and the rule is simple: Turn towards your partner instead of away.
It’s not about grand gestures or sweeping romantic acts. It’s about the small, everyday moments that either strengthen your marriage or quietly erode it over time.
The Science Behind Staying Together
Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, discovered something shocking when studying couples over six years.
The couples who stayed married turned toward each other 86% of the time. The couples who got divorced only did it 33% of the time.
That’s it. That’s the difference between relationships that last and ones that don’t.
So, what does turning towards actually mean? And more importantly, how can you start doing it today?
What Are "Bids" and Why Do They Matter?
Let’s talk about bids.
A bid is any small way your partner reaches out for attention, affection, or connection. These are the everyday moments that, at first glance, might seem unimportant—but in reality, they are your relationship.
Think about these scenarios:
Your spouse looks out the window and says, “Hey, look at that huge bird on the fence!”
Turning towards: You glance up, say, “Whoa, that thing looks like it could carry away the neighbor’s cat!”
Turning away: You grunt without looking up, still glued to your phone.
Turning against: You snap, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Or maybe your partner says, “Man, today was exhausting.”
Turning towards: “Yeah? What happened?”
Turning away: “Mmmhmm.” (Still scrolling through your emails.)
Turning against: “Oh please, like my day wasn’t worse.”
These tiny moments seem insignificant, but over time, they make or break your marriage. Because when one person constantly gets ignored, dismissed, or rejected, they eventually stop reaching out altogether.
And that’s when the real trouble starts.
Why We Miss Bids (And How to Fix It)
Most of us don’t even realize when we’re turning away from our partners. Life gets busy, and we’re distracted. But the more bids we miss, the more disconnected we become.
Bids aren’t always obvious. In fact, sometimes they don’t even sound like bids at all.
For example:
“You’re always working late.” (Might actually mean: “I miss you. Can we spend time together?”)
“Did you see that funny meme I sent you?” (Really means: “I want to share a moment with you.”)
“You never hold my hand anymore.” (Could mean: “I need reassurance that you still love me.”)
If we don’t recognize these moments, we miss the deeper meaning behind them.
So, How Can You Start Turning Towards Your Partner?
1. Notice the Bids in Your Relationship
You can’t turn towards your partner if you’re not paying attention.
For the next couple of days, try to notice all the little ways your spouse reaches out to you. They probably won’t say, “Excuse me, I’m making an emotional bid for connection right now.” But they’ll drop hints—through words, body language, or actions.
Some common bids include:
Asking questions (“How was your day?”)
Sharing something interesting (“Did you hear about that crazy news story?”)
Seeking affection (Hugging, playfully nudging, reaching for your hand)
Asking for help (“Can you grab something from the store?”)
Trying to make you laugh (Sending funny videos, cracking jokes)
Once you start looking for them, you’ll realize just how many bids are happening all the time.
2. Respond—Even When You’re Busy
Okay, let’s be real. Sometimes you’re in the middle of something when your spouse makes a bid. Maybe you’re working, dealing with the kids, or finally sitting down after a long day.
But here’s the thing—acknowledging a bid doesn’t take much effort.
A simple response like: “Hey, I want to hear about that! Just give me five minutes to finish this first.”
A quick smile or nod to show you’re listening.
A touch—placing your hand on theirs, a quick hug, or a reassuring squeeze on the arm.
You don’t have to drop everything every time your spouse speaks. You just need to show them they matter.
3. Make Bids Yourself
If you’re not making bids, your partner has nothing to turn towards.
Ask yourself:
Do I actually reach out for connection, or do I expect my spouse to do all the work?💡Am I giving my partner chances to engage with me?
Do I express my needs clearly, or do I just hope they figure it out?
If your relationship feels distant, try making small bids for attention.
“Can we go for a drive later?”
“I’d love to sit and talk after the kids go to bed.”
“Come watch this funny video with me.”
Your partner wants to connect with you—they might just need the opportunity.
4. Play a Game to Improve Your Awareness
Want a fun way to practice?
Try watching a show or movie on mute and see if you can spot when the characters are making bids for connection.
What do their body language and facial expressions say? How does the other person react?
This little exercise makes you more aware of non-verbal bids, which are often easier to miss in real life.
5. Ask Yourself: Are You at 33% or 86%?
At the end of the day, it all comes down to one big question:
How often do you turn towards your spouse?
Are you in that 86% group—the couples who make it work? Or are you closer to 33%, where things start falling apart?
If you don’t love your answer, the good news is you can start fixing it today.
Final Thoughts: Small Moments, Big Impact
Most marriages don’t fail because of one big fight. They fail because of thousands of small moments where one partner turned away instead of turning towards.
But the best part? The solution isn’t complicated. You don’t need a massive vacation, expensive gifts, or some life-changing revelation.
You just need to pay attention to the little moments.
So the next time your spouse makes a bid for connection? Look up. Respond. Engage.
Because your relationship is built in these small, everyday interactions.
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